One of the short stories in my new, darkly comedic book, Death Bound: Life Support Edition, is called It’s Potty Time Somewhere.
It’s Potty Time Somewhere is a story about a guy who’s put in an awkward position when his company changes the restrooms into Gender Neutral. Needless to say, things get a bit awkward…
Within the Men’s restroom was one sink, two stalls, and three handsomely simplistic urinals. Middle-aged Ted, dressed in business casual attire, stepped up to one of the urinals, unfastened his belt, unbuttoned then unzipped his pants, and withdrew himself. He didn’t aim, he just placed his hands on his hips with his index fingers holding back both flaps of his slacks and let himself hang down like Superman dousing a fire.
Relief flooded through him, or perhaps out, as dark yellow piss began to spray against the white porcelain backing of the urinal.
“How goes it?” a man asked.
Ted turned and saw his work pal, Paul, a known germaphobe, slipping on a pair of latex gloves behind him.
Ted said, “I’m good, man. You?”
Paul carefully unfastened his belt and went into one of the stalls, leaving the door open. He said, “All’s good on my end. Can’t complain.”
“And the trip?” Ted asked. “Brazil, right? How’d it go?”
The two men had been craning their necks to maintain a semblance of eye contact, so Ted saw as Paul’s smile faltered at the mention of Brazil.
“Oh,” Ted said, recognizing the tension. “Not good, then?”
Paul closed his eyes and breathed out, pleasure washing across his face as he relieved himself. “No, no, it was fine,” he said after the initial sensation passed. “Just, you know, would’ve been better without the Mrs. and the kid, but—” he shrugged, as if to say, “I’m stuck with’em.”
Ted chuckled and redirected his pee towards the blue deodorizer block clamped to the side of the urinal. “Tell me about it,” he said, before turning his attention to a lone wad of chewed gum stuck in the plastic mesh shielding the drain. Direct hit. “My wife wants to go to Key West this summer, and all I can think is, ‘This is it. She’s finally gonna catch me…